The DVD curse of Titanic
by CoralPotion
Summary: Elena's bored and wants to watch a film with Damon. He chooses Titanic... but he didn't know that vampires have a little 'problem' with Titanic... Can Elena escape the madness that a DVD caused?


_Hi again my loyal readers- I was so tempted to say death eaters there for some reason..._

 _As promised there is the funny fanfic story- Now I've got to do this, because, yeah, I don't own the movie rights and blah blah blah also i'm not taking the crap out of Titanic- the boat because I am obsessed with it and I feel so sorry for the poor people on the boat, who died and who survived but left scarred by the horror of what happened._

 _So I would like to dedicate this to... my best friend Clare, who loves vampires but especially Demetri out of the vampire academy- thanks Clarecrow- she also likes crows- for everything! LOVE YA CLAREBEAR!_

 _Enjoy and PLEASE tell me if you found it funny! :) Also Lexi's in this- I LOVE LEXI SHE'S AMAZEBALLS! xxx_

 _Language, profanity all that warning stuff, and yes I don't own crap... but I thought of the story idea so I need SOME credit.. after all I was laughing like a loon at 2 in the morning because of this! XD_

* * *

Walking through the Salvatore boarding house felt still weird to Elena. She wasn't in any danger per-say, Stefan would never hurt her, Damon... hopefully wouldn't and Lexi seemed to be pretty cool so no risk there. It was strange though, waltzing through the house so carefree with a household of vamps.

"Stefan?" Elena called out, where was he? He was there earlier. He made her breakfast in bed and then disappeared. She hadn't seen Damon or Lexi either, she only heard Lexi shouting at Damon earlier in the shower with these exact words "Piss off you perverted wanker!" Stefan had to stifle his laughing with his pillow.

"Not here!" Damon's voice travelled through the house like foghorn-leghorn. (HAHA!) His voice came from the lounge so that's where Elena headed.

Inside the lounge Damon was draped over the couch with his usual glass of bourbon, his face plastered with that self assured smirk.

"He's away hunting a little bunny rabbit or something" He didn't even look up from his glass but then smiled at her and put down the glass.

"Little early to be drinking isn't it Damon?" Elena said, being sweetly sarcastic. Damon just scoffed and continued drinking.

"Little early for you to be up after fucking my brother, isn't it Elena?" he smiled evilly and chuckled into his glass.

Lexi came spritely into the room and scooped Damon's drink from him- which he protested- and gulped it down in front of him and slammed the glass down on the table.

"And why, may I be _so_ bold to say, did you drink _my_ bourbon darling?"

Lexi grinned madly and whispered "Because I can- dear..." and laughed at him.

"Good morning Elena"

"Morning Lexi"

Damon grinned "It apparently was a good morning", Lexi ran into the kitchen and came back with a HUGE fish and SLAPPED Damon across the face.

"OWWWWW! Bitch..." He growled holding his cheek.

"That's what you get for being a pig" Lexi retorted then walked out the room.

"Damon... I'm kind of bored and" she was interrupted with a "Not listening" birdsong from him. Suddenly Lexi's shoe came flying at Damon but he ducked.

"HAH! MISSED BLONDIE!" Damon cried in triumph as Lexi shouted "WONT NEXT TIME BASTARD!" back.

"Ears like a hawk that one... anyway what did you want Elena?" Damon sighed rolling his eyes, it was Stefan's job to keep his little 'human pet' entertained so why was he playing babysitter?

Elena shrugged and sat down. "Want watch a movie with me?"

Damon cocked an eyebrow and didn't really know what to say, was she trying to... bond with him? Ughh... humans and their clinginess...

"Seeing as I have nothing better to do that babysit you dear Elena" He took her hand dramatically, acting like someone rehearsing a Shakespeare play- "Fine dear Elena I shall indulge in your, film, movie things"

Standing up and walking over to the door she looked over her shoulder at him and asked what he wanted to watch. Damon replied she should bring her stash that she kept in Stefan's room down and he would pick one.

"Ever the gentleman" Elena scoffed climbing the stairs to retrieve her DVD collection.

Once she returned with an armful of DVD's, Elena dumped them on the couch and walked out the room to make some popcorn.

"Should I just put one on Elena?!" Damon yelled while she was raking through the cupboards.

"Jesus Christ.." she mumbled under her breath "Yeah Damon, just put one on. I'm looking for the popcorn- where is it?"

"We have popcorn?" His questioned

"Somewhere apparently!" Elena yelled back, she was getting annoyed now, Stefan said they have popcorn.. so where the bloody hell was it?!

Eventually she found it in a drawer she swore she checked in and huffed. Elena put the popcorn onto the cooker as it wasn't already made. Every time the corn popped, Elena would jump about a foot in the air. Eventually after 5 minutes of her rapid heartbeat, the popcorn was finally ready. She didn't know if vampires even liked human food... Oh well more for her!

As she was about to exit the kitchen she thought she heard Damon crying... Grabbing the bowl and turning the cooker off with a 'Shit! Damn-it!' she ran to the living room where Damon was sitting watching Titanic on the TV.

It was at the scene where Jack is about to die.

"Woah... how the hell did he watch that so fast?" nothing about vampires surprised her anymore, putting the bowl down she sat beside Damon.

"Er... Damon.." she poked her finger at his leather jacket as he was facing away from her.

 **I love you Jack** \- The TV blared as Damon cried harder.

"SHE LOVES YOU JACK, DON'T DIE ON HER! SHE LOVES YOUUUUUU!" Damon was sobbing hysterically and grabbed Elena who screamed in fright.

"Damon! The fuck are you doing?!" Elena growled at him but he was so upset she let it slide. Through Damon snuggling into her, she managed to free an arm and awkwardly pat his head.

"It's just a movie Damon it's alright, there, there" She felt bloody ridiculous. It was a movie, but at the same time it was really funny how badass Damon portrays himself to be yet is bleeding his heart out at Titanic- though she had to admit, she loved Titanic and always felt sad at this bit too.

As soon as Rose on the TV told Jack there was a boat and he didn't respond meaning he had died from hypothermia- Damon howled and gripped her tighter.

Elena was now sitting up as Damon locked his arm around her.

"NOOO ELENA HE DIED! HE LEFT HER! THE BOAT WAS RIGHT THERE! THE FUCKING BOAT WAS THERE!" Damon howled as his tears drowned Elena's face.

"Damon let me go an I'll go put it off" Elena felt like she was bargaining for her life with him.

He violently shook his head and screamed "I'LL NEVER LET GO JACKKKKK!"

"Jesus fucking Christ... Lexi?! Lexi get goddamn down here!" Elena screamed for her.

Lexi bounced into the room with a "I was called?" with a cheeky grin and asked what the were watching, until she looked at the screen and her eyes fogged over like she was being possessed by something and started to well up.

"Is, is he dead Damon?" She choked on her tears, Damon nodded through his monsoon tears and Lexi ran to them with a bear hug and cried into Elena.

"Oh for fucks sake!" Elena exclaimed throwing her head back on Damon's lap in annoyance. What the fuck was wrong with them? Sure it was good acting but for Christ's sake it was only a movie, the disaster was really sad but this... this was insane..

"STEFAN MOTHERFUCKING SALVATORE! IF YOU CAN FUCKING HEAR ME- LEXI AND DAMON ARE FUCKING CRYING AND I'M TRAPPED! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE NOW!" Elena screamed as loud as she could in the hopes of Stefan hearing her from outside.

Lexi and Damon were howling with tears and blubbering like babies at the film.. Every single time she tried to move out of the terrible two they just held her tighter.

Elena could hear Stefan approaching outside.

"Elena! What's going on?!" He shouted from the front door.

"Why the fuck are you fucking standing at the door you useless GOBSHITE!? Damon was watching fucking Titanic and he started to go fucking psycho crying on me, then I called Lexi for help and she bloody started! Help me out here Stefan!" Elena hissed venomously as Lexi grabbed her head from Damon and tried to shoosh her through trying to breathe- that she didn't even need(!)

"Is, issss o.. ok E.. el.. Elen.. Elena, we... we... just love Jack!" then began to howl and scream for Jack to return to Rose.

"Elena listen to me! The movie Titanic is a movie you should never watch with a vampire! It makes them go out of control like a possessed disease! The only way to break is for the movie to finish! I'm coming in and I'll try to turn it off but that wont stop it, the movie needs to come to a complete end" Stefan yelled coming in the front door with his fingers in his ears.

"THEN WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING TURNING IT OFF, IF IT WONT WORK YOU _TWAT_?!" Elena was wriggling furiously trying to weasel out of Damon and Lexi' grip.

"WHAT?" Stefan shouted as he came into the room, bravely(!) moving towards the TV but slowly.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BEING SLOW STEFAN?! FUCK THE TV JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS!" Elena was really annoyed now as the movie was about 20 minutes away from ending plus the ending lines of the producers and that stuff- she couldn't last that long!

"WHATTT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Stefan shouted as he took his fingers out his ears to hear her.

"STEFAN NOOOOO! **YOU STUPID ASSED, MONKEY FACED, SHOE SNIFFER**!" Elena yelled she realised she was now thoroughly fucked...

Tears began to slide down Stefan's face as he ran over and grabbed Elena out of Damon's grip.

"Oh thank god!" Elena exclaimed but unfortunately she spoke too soon and was placed on Stefan's knee on the couch- once again he was holding her tightly but not as tight as Damon did.

"Come errreeee guys!" Stefan sobbed as he opened one arm for a bear hug, Lexi leapt onto him and cuddled his arm crying, Damon cuddled into Lexi.

"Le.. Lexiiiiii can.. can I use... y... you... your hair as a... tissue... pleeeeaasssee?" Damon cried into her neck, Elena grimaced with a look on her face that said 'I'm going to be sick...'

"Yeeeeesss Damon... hhhhh... heeeerrrreeee... l.. lll.. love" She wept into her arm as she handed Damon a chunk of her hair.

"F... fannnnnnkkkkk yooouu" His voice was as high as a little girl's now, and he blew his nose on Lei's hair.

"Ughhh God Damon..." Elena scrunched up her face in disgust.

* * *

Finally when the credits ran Elena cried out in joy, but as soon as she heard Celine Dion singing 'My heart will go on' she shook her head

NO FUCKING WAY!" She put her hands over her eyes as she knew what was coming.

Damon, Lexi and Stefan all began singing... Lexi was the only one who could sing out the bunch... she wasn't amazing but next to Damon and Stefan she sounded like a freaking angelic opera singer(!)

As soon as the song was reaching it's climax, Lexi still sang but quieter- letting Damon and Stefan take the floor.

"OHHH SHITTTT!" Elena squealed and quickly- my god quickly- covered her ears as Damon and Stefan screamed out the line.

 **"YOU'REEEEEEEE HEREEEEEEEE THERE'S NOTHINNNNNGGGG I FEARRRRRR ANNNNDDDD I KNOWWWWWWWW MY HEART WILL GO ONNNNNNNNN, WE'LLLLL STAYYYYYY FOR EVERRRRRRRRR THISSSSS WAYYYYYYY, YOUUU ARE SAFE IN MY HEART AND MY HEARTTTT WILL GOOOO ONNNNN AND OONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"** Half way through that horrible screeching sound that was NOWHERE NEAR SINGING! Damon grabbed Elena's hands so she could hear them sing, Elena had never wanted her ears to bleed as badly as she did now...

When the movie stopped the three vampires eyes began to clear and they all looked puzzled.

Damon quickly moved way from Lexi's ass, Lexi stood up away from Stefan and Stefan put Elena down and walked over to the TV putting it off.

"Damon are you crying?" Lexi tried to keep a straight face but ended up cackling at him.

"Lex... what's that in your hair?" Stefan said showing her the spot he meant.

"What thing? It kind of looks like... OH MY GOD!DAMON! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU SICK BASTARD! Lexi punched him across the face storming out and headed for the shower for the second time today.

Damon was totally shocked and surprised, Stefan looked like a lost puppy in the middle of the room.

"Okay, what _in-" Damon exagirated the 'in' "_ the name of bloody... holy... hell... was _that_ about _?!" Stefan looked at Elena hoping she would have an answer._

 _"You are kidding me right?" Elena stood up in a flash grabbing her bag in tow, ready to hit both of them with it._

 _"What?" Stefan retorted_

 _"'What?' 'what?'! I was going to watch a movie with Damon and as I was making poporn- he started watching motherfucking Titanic and started to cry and shit! He held me like a fucking bear cub and when I shouted on Lexi- who I shall say was NO HELP!" Elena yelled so Lexi would hear it- AND SHE THE GOT POSSESSED AND STARTED FUCKING CRYING ANNDDDDD THEN! JUMPED INTO THE 'LETS SQUEEZE ELENA UNTIL SHE FUCKING DIES' BANDWAGON AND STARTED TO CRY ALL OVER ME. BUT THATS NOT THE BEST PART! I YELLED FOR YOU STEFAN TO FUCKING SAVE ME AND YOU WALKING IN WITH YOUR FINGERS IN EARS AND WENT TO TURN THE TV OFF- WHEN YOU CLEARLY SAID THAT WOULDN'T WORK! YOU DIPSHIT, TOSSPOT, BASTARD! THEN WHEN YOU COULDN'T HEAR ME- YOU TOOK YOUR FINGERS OUT THOSE TWO BLOODY HOLES IN YOUR HEAD AND GOT FUCKING POSSESSED AS SHIT ASWELL! ANNNNNND THATS NOT EVEN THE BEST BIT YET... OH NOOOO SIRREEEEE! YOU ALL DECIDED TO HAVE KARA-FUCKING-OKE WHICH BY THE WAY YOU ALL SUCK BALLS AT! AND YOU! THE SALVA-FUCKING-BORE BROTHERS COULDNT HIT THE FUCKING HIGH NOTES! AT LEAST LEXI SHYED WAY BUT OH NO YOU BOTH HAD TO GO RUIN AN AMAZING SONG WITH YOUR SHITTY AS HELL ON A POGGOSTICK SINGING! AND YOUR ASKING WHAT?! BY THE WAY STEFAN- ONLY A COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE HUNTS RABBITS IN THE FOREST WHEN HE KNOWS HIS GIRLFRIEND LOVES THEM! WHICH BY THE WAY I SWEAR YOU KILLED MY PET RABBIT WHEN I WAS LITTLE YOU DOUCHENOZZLE! AND DAMON! GET A FUCKING COAT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WHAT ARE YOU A MOTHERFUCKING T-BIRD?! A WELLA WELLA WELLA TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE- TO GET A FUCKING DECENT COAT! YOUR NOT 17 ANYMORE YOU ASSHOLE, YOUR LIKE A HUNDRED AND FIFFTY BILLION YEARS OLD YOU NAPPY SACK!" Elena was breathing heavily and stormed out the house in a fit of rage._

 _"Elena sweetheart wait! I never killed your rabbit!" Stefan yelled at the front door, and Damon's head came under his arm and shouted " And I sing like a fucking angel Gilbert!"_

 _The two bothers sighed and followed her, they seriously needed to calm her down before she destroyed someone's frozen paintings or their tap-dancing grasshopper called joel who was going to go on American Idol. (You all want to be Joel the grasshopper- admit it XD)_

 _Slinking downstairs to find her hairbrush, Lexi noticed the stray popcorn lying on the floor._

 _"Ooohhh popcorn! Oohhh and the telly's out! What DVD is it? OH IT'S TITANIC! MY FAVOURITE!" and her finger reached for the 'play' button..._

* * *

 ** _Well? What do we think? I must admit, the only bits I found funny were imagining them not being able to hit that high note XD oh and Joel the grasshopper- come on you gotta love Joel! He's a legend! TAX I OWN JOEL HAHA!_**

 ** _So yeah please let me know what you think and if it was crap or not and stuff. You guys, honestly, you're so great :) I am still continuing my other Delena fanfic but I wanted to finish this first... truthfully... I hit the wrong button and it didn't save... :( ughhh nightmare..._**

 ** _So anyway guys have a goodnight and I will see you soon! Also feel free in the comments bit to write what you think I should write next or something... I really think i'm going to do that gameshow one and take the crap out of Edward and stuff._**

 ** _Right guys this is your only task... Who do you want to win in my next fanfic of the gameshow thing..._**

 ** _A) Bella and Edward (nooooo)_**

 ** _B) Harry and Hermione and possibly Snape because he's a babe (I'll let you snuggle him...)_**

 ** _C) Peeta and Katniss (Okay they're alright, they could win- I like them)_**

 ** _D) and of course... the Vampire Diaries crew! Damon, Elena, Stefan OHHH and Bonnie! I loooooove Bonnie! She's awesome!_**

 ** _Basically it will be a laugh- i'll ask them stupid stuff... you guys can ask stuff and yeah things will be fun :)_**

 ** _Thanks again guys! You mean a lot to me! You guys keep me feeling confident- which is an IMPOSSIBLE TASK let me tell you... so thanks guys it REALLY does mean a lot to know you guys like my stuff and... well stuff I guess... Okay will I'm gonna go downstairs and look at the fridge- anyone else do that? I'll look inside it, i'll not want anything but I like knowing what's there... weird train of thought... Goddnight everyone!_**

 ** _xxxx_**


End file.
